Schadenfreudette

Sneak Peek

nobody@vox.com(ashley) — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 21:10:19 -0700

My wedding photographer is a genius. She showed me a couple of pics from the 189 metric buttloads she shot at my wedding and they are fab.

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Peekaboo

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Park Pictures

nobody@vox.com(ashley) — Sat, 10 May 2008 17:16:30 -0700

For my Mother's Day present to myself, I went to Mercer Arboretum with the girls. My girls have all the sudden become girly and are scared of snakes and spiders, but they were very sweet and let me take pictures of flowers "on every aisle" as Allie put it...

One of four bugs the girls were not afraid of (the others being a green ladybug, a dragonfly, and a roly poly)

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We had seen a snake very near here, so I couldn't get the exact angle I wanted as Allie was fretting very loudly about the snake jumping up and eating her face. I was mocking her for her sudden fear of snakes, until I later found out that copperheads are native to that particular park. Oops! Mother of the Year!

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This baby fern was my favorite. So tiny and curly and delectable. This is the picture straight out of camera, and I love it. I almost NEVER love pics SOOC.

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And here she is with a minimum of tweaking. She's so pretty. I think I'll call her Fern.

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The standard, cheesy rose picture. I wish you could smell them... they smelled somehow like raspberries.

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No idea what these are called, but I want to stick googly eyes on them. Not because of any SNL Christoper Walken obsession, but because they just look like they'd have such personality, right?

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This flower looked thirsty when I first shot it. I've been reading Blurbomat alot lately though and wanted to post-process it out of reality. Actually, I just post-processed it into hydration. Everyone's happy this way.

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I love flowers that look like party decorations. And I really love pretending I have a macro lens, even though I don't.

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More to come as I edit them. I got a lot of really good shots. One thing I love about Texas is that even when it's a million degrees outside (read: 92 with 92% humidity), there is always so much green, so much shade, and so much lushness. Is that a word? It is now.

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Weekend in Pictures

nobody@vox.com(ashley) — Sun, 04 May 2008 15:19:01 -0700

See what I mean about trying to write? I'm going to stop that now before anyone puts an eye out. Instead, lets look at pretty pretty pictures together, shall we?

Thursday, Linz and I got to go to an exclusive bridal event at Hotel Derek. I'm not having my wedding there, but I'm down for free hors d'oevures and martinis. We practiced different wedding planning related gestures to use while talking about other things. And we looked adorable and shadowy.

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We had a couple of martinis and came back to my place to eat dinner before having a girls' night. Getting ready is always fun. Beware of flared nostrils. They are massive and deadly. Do not try this at home.

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Ron took the obligatory pre-launch photo. But Linz and I watch too much America's Next Top Model, so we were doing commercial, catalogue, and couture poses, while giving good neck and - of course - smiling with our eyes. Shown here is couture. (Linz is a national sternum and collarbone supermodel, clearly.)

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Yes we're very silly. But not quite as silly as Ron who was trying to attack me with a blood pressure cuff. Sphygmomanometers: As fun to say as they are to play with.

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We had a fun evening, which was much needed by all. My mom watched the kids for us, so Friday I watched them for her so she could recuperate.

Saturday, the girls and I went to the new park in downtown Houston called Discovery Green. It's trying to be the Central Park of Houston. It's usually really really fun, but it was pretty crowded on Saturday, and my little clones were too anxious to play very much. They were however eager to smile pretty :)

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We also got to check out these half sphere thingies (their technical name, of course). Supposedly, one person sits in one, the other person in the other, and through some sort of sound wave trick, you can hear each other using normal voices even though they appear to be very far away. Once we were there, I discovered the magical trick is proximity, as they're not all that far apart. I was underwhelmed. But they make for a nice picture backdrop anyway...

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Sunday was church and babysitting. Linz took Cayden to his first Astro's game and baby Prestyn stayed with us. I've never gotten to take many pictures of her, so I indulged. She is at an adorable age where she's just learned to clap and is quite proud of herself. I love 10 month olds. If I could give birth and have them instantly be this age, I'd have a dozen more.

She also has the prettiest eyelashes. I'm not entirely unconvinced that she isn't hiding an eyelash curler in her crib matress and furiously crimping away during naptime. She moves a ton so it's hard to capture the majesty of her eyelashes, but I gave it a good shot anyway...

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I'm off to finish my weekend by cooking turkey spaghetti, playing Webkinz with the girls, watching the Simpsons, and trying to not think about all the wedding stuff I need to be thinking about.

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I'm Not a Narcissist...

nobody@vox.com(ashley) — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 22:01:36 -0700

I'm an artist. There's a difference. I don't know what it is, but there's surely a difference and I most definitely fall on the artistic side, right?

Okay, so I was watching Top Model tonight, painting my toenails as planned. They had a pretty cool photoshoot and I was lamenting the fact that my camera was still in the shop (see post below) and then I remembered that I have a scanner! Years ago, I did a self-portrait series on a scanner and they turned out badass. I've lost the pics since then, but I was inspired. (Also inspiring? Katarzyna's new haircut. I must have it now.)

I finished the episode, dragged out the beautifying paraphenalia, and tarted right up. Now, this time the scanning was harder. I thing because last time, my scanner was light enough that I could just pick it up and hold it up to my face. This time, not so much. It's heavy. Therefore, some truly amazing shots were ruined because I had the audacity to breathe and fog up the glass. Even though my face wasn't touching the glass, my damn diet coke breath kept ruining things. I eventually figured out how to hold my breath, and hold still long enough for the scanner to do it's work. I got some interesting pieces. (See how I did that? I called the pictures "pieces." Only a true artist would do that.)

They are as follows....

There's something kind of creepy yet serene about this one.

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This one just looks straight up creepy. It's hard to smile pretty while hovering over a scanner and trying to not breathe. So hush. And yes, I'm a teeny bit obsessed with photographing my ring. I keep having dreams/nightmares about it. Don't ask.

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And just a little bit of cheese for ya. This was the first one I did and I never could quite do that expression again. But I like it. It looks hopeful. I wish I could keep it on my face and in my heart at all times....

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Mixed Messages

nobody@vox.com(ashley) — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 08:23:15 -0700

Urgent! Do Not Open!!!!

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Ack! Um, okay? Which is it? Is it urgent? Or do I not open it? Or do I urgently not open it? And if so, how? My brain hurts.

This label was affixed to a box I received in the mail. It was a 3 month supply of Avery's asthma meds. I could operate a pulmonary intensive care out of my downstairs bathroom with the amount of albuterol they sent me. It's awe inspiring. And... clearly... urgent!

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Coming soon to a blog near you...

nobody@vox.com(ashley) — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 12:05:22 -0700

The stylings of my very favorite fiance' (with all design work done by yours truly).....

The Adventures of Metro Man and his Mini Van. (Found here.)

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Ladies & Gentlemen.... HANNAH MONTANA!!!

nobody@vox.com(ashley) — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 22:25:09 -0700

Yes, we were lucky enough to get tickets to Hannah Montana at the Houston Rodeo. They held a drawing for "real people" to be able to buy tickets. I entered 4 email addresses in the drawing, and one of them won. So we were the lucky purchasers of 4 tickets to the show. And truly I didn't care where the seats were, but geeze louise they were actually literally the very last row in Reliant Stadium. We had suffered some oxygen deprivation from the altitude, but the girls had fun regardless....

On our way to the show. (Note the pimp new minivan recently lamented in Ron's blog)

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The show marquee and the actual tickets. (Note: One can not be bored in traffic when armed with a Nikon D-SLR. Stuck at a stoplight? Take pics of random crap! Like concert tickets!)

Allie trying to look irritated that I'm taking her picture (Note the eye makeup I let her wear special for the occassion. I thought I overdid it, but once we got there and saw 3 year olds in false eyelashes and feather boas, well I felt much better about the thin line of eyeliner I allowed.)

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Allie being reminded that I still hold the tickets in my little hand so she's got to pretend to like me at least until we get to our seats. (Note that Allie has honed her sullen teenager act to an artform, but I'm breaking her of it surely. I've got 8 years before she's a teenager and I'm not going to spend those years practicing)

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Avery in front of her very first tour bus. (Note that Allie was too scared to pose in front of the bus because everyone would be looking at her. Yes, she is indeed my clone.)

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The sherpa allowed us a break en route to our seats. The girls could contain their excitement no longer. (Note the peanut on the ground next to Avery. And where did we leave the epipen? In my purse. In the van. In the parking lot 5 miles away....)

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73thousand some odd people as seen from the vantage point of our seats. (Note that I'm not hyperventilating although they are all surely staring at me and judging me from afar. No, I'm not on my meds thanks for asking.)

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Veal acquisition. (Note that it's actually called the 'calf scramble'. Whatevs. They still chase a baby cow and are mean to it so they can take it home. Poor veal. :(

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Blurry children. That can only mean one thing. (Note Allie's carefully studied ennui. It's an artform....)

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Hannah Montana. AND Miley Cyrus. AND Billy Ray Cyrus. 3-for-1. (Note. No really. Billy Ray sang "Achey Breaky Heart". It was cute.)

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You might say that Avery enjoyed herself. You might also say that she invoked the superhero Flash and acquired the ability to move all her molecules so fast that other solid matter passed through them. (Note: This photo is the closest she ever got to standing still.)

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Allie singing with Gaga. (Note that while Gaga knew the words to this one, she wasn't sobbing while singing them. That would be the sappy ass photographer blubbering through "Just Like You" even though she's not remotely near to PMS'ing.)

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Best of all? Mommy could still get artsy fartsy when the girls weren't looking. (Note that these are straight out of camera so there is much manipulation fun yet to be had...)

Allie lost her cool facade long enough for the camera to capture it. The quality is not the best, but the emotion is. (Note that I am tearing up again. When did I get to be such a sap?)

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The girls were even grateful enough to take a picture with me! They hate to take pictures with me! (Note, Avery might not be visible to the naked eye in this picture. See above note for molecular structure explanation...)

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And that's not the end of the fun! The next night, we got to go to the rodeo again and see Sugarland. This time though we had third row seats. Like we could reach out and touch manure and hear the cowboys cuss. Plus we got to meet Sugarland before hand, which the girls are still talking about. But me? I've got to get some sleep tonight. Sugarland pics tomorrow, if the boss lets me.... ;)

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February 8, 2008

nobody@vox.com(ashley) — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 12:56:38 -0800

Ron is not amused with me and my picture happy self. But miracle of
miracles.... his eyes are open!

And I'm sorry. I know he's not perfect all the time, but can you see why I
give him credit for being perfect even in those less than perfect moments?
Thought so....

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February 7, 2008

nobody@vox.com(ashley) — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 12:47:03 -0800

A better picture of our house band, which resides atop a stack of antique
encyclopedias. (Is that the plural of encyclopedia? Or is a volume
singular? Like data? Or am I overthinking this? That would be
shocking....)

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February 6, 2008

nobody@vox.com(ashley) — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 12:44:01 -0800

Allie wanted her picture taken in front of the Eiffel Tower. I tried
explaining to her that it wasn't the Eiffel Tour, but she said "Well, just
talk in French and pretend then!"

Mais, bien sur madamoiselle.

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