Generic Update

I wonder what it's like for people to live life on an even keel.  No dramatic ups to match the downs.  Just level; everything the same.  It's probably really boring and I'd whine about it if I had to live it.  So I'll take my dramatic life and stick with it.

The ups: 

Allie loves kindergarten. Her teacher is fantastic and she's really thriving.  She's had a couple of tearful days, but they are largely in the minority.  I was worried that my anxiety and sensitivity would manifest completely in her and make her school days miserable.  But she's not quite as neurotic as I am.  Yet.

Avery is an absolute angel.  When she is on her own, with no other kids to run her over, boss her around, or interrupt her, she is like pure sunshine, with a dash of LOLCAT, a liberal coating of cotton candy, and sprinkled with fairy dust.  Literally, she will happily color pictures or read books, only taking a break to give hugs and kisses or ask nicely for some food.  I forget how different they are on their own and it's such a blessing to share these quiet times with her.

Mom is going back to work.  She met another aneurysm survivor while in Colorado visiting my grandmother in the hospital.  She was my grandma's nurse, and had a huge aneurysm rupture 12 years ago.  She was pregnant at the time, and lost the baby, lost her speech, lost her life.  She gradually relearned how to get her life back and went back to school for her BSN and is now one of the most respected nurses at this particular hospital.  She and mom are now BFF and it's really given mom a lot of hope for her future.  She starts back part-time at her old job on Monday and couldn't be more excited.

I've met someone who is completely unlike anyone I've ever met before.  Open and honest, smart and funny, and he likes me back.  That's the weirdest thing.  I keep sticking my foot in my mouth and he keeps laughing and wanting to talk to me more.  Lunch dates turn into 3 hour conversations in which we fidget manically creating napkin origami and juggling apples in a desperate attempt to appear nonchalant.  But we're able to openly mock ourselves so this is good.  It's refreshing - if a bit disconcerting - to like someone who likes me back.  Yeah, I sound like I'm in the 8th grade.  I'm okay with that.  Oh and he reads this site too, so I'm going to blush furiously now.  Hi there! 

The downs:

I'm still pretty raw from having a falling out with a large number of my "friends" in an online community I've been with for 6 years.  It's funny when I'm accused of hypocrisy.  Funny because in reality, I'm the person who stands up and says what everyone is thinking.  I'm the one who says publicly what everyone else whispers and gossips.  I stick up for myself and that?  That is bad.  I've done a lot of reflection on my role in this recent debacle and I know I'm not blameless.  When someone accused me of something, I should not have lashed out verbally.  That was a little bit reactionary and classless.  But dammit, it felt good at the time and I don't regret it.  I also don't regret ending certain friendships with toxic people.  If people are making bad choices that affect their lives, that's their prerogative.  But when they start destroying other people's lives and affecting everyone around them, well I just can't condone that. 

This is all old news.  What I've really opened my eyes to, and what has caused me the most pain is this: why am I standing up for people who won't stand up for me?  Sure, all those people come to me privately to encourage me and tell me how right I am and how I'm their hero.  They'll come to me to gossip and badmouth and try to get dirt.  So what's to say they're not doing the same thing behind my back?  Hardly anyone even bothered to try and defend me, so why should I care about losing them?  Why should I share myself with them if they think I'm a hypocrite, or a child abuser, or a liar who only wants attention?  Why should I mourn the loss of people who clearly have no idea who I am? 

People really show who they are by their actions more than their words.  I value words very highly and rely on them a great deal to show who I am, but I also have the actions to back it up.  Maybe it's just time for that chapter in my life to end.  Online communities are *SO* 2001 anyway, right?  I should chalk it up to lesson learned and go on my new path to my new life and new friendships.  There isn't really any justice, and stamping my feet in protest is getting me nowhere.  Maybe I should just "get over it" but it takes me a little longer to process things, to turn over every angle in my head, and make sure there's no speck of dust left unexamined.

My ob/gyn just referred me to a neurologist.  I'm having issues similar to the ones I was having in February so I went back to the doctor.  I'm googled and Mercked my symptoms to death and am pretty sure I know my diagnosis (because I'm a doctor you know) but instead of going the diagnostic route I want, we're going around the back way and examining my pituitary gland.  Whatever I have is almost certainly benign and harmless, but I'd much rather have something foreign (if benign and harmless) in my breast than in my brain.  I'll lop off ol' lefty without a second thought if doing so would insure my health.  Not so easy to do that with my brain.  Although...  Whichever one it is, I won't know for a month or so.  Glorious wait time.  Love it.

Mom is going back to work.  I know it's an up for her and I truly am happy about it.  However, there goes my free childcare, so now I have to jump through hoops to get the ex to help out with school expenses.  I hate jumping through hoops.  It's exhausting.  And while I'm kind of excited for Avery to get back into preschool, I really don't want to get Allie in an afterschool program.  It's like $120 a week for just 2 hours a day after school.  I'm going to see if I can move my hours around so that I go in earlier.  I think before school care is cheaper than after, and her bus runs so late in the afternoon, that it wouldn't be hard for me to adjust my hours enough to pick her up at the bus stop everyday.  So far they're being really flexible with all the doctor's appointments and stuff.  I hope they continue to be flexible.  And honestly, why does anyone ever hire single moms?  We're not worth a damn sometimes, I swear....

Me-You-See-Do-72j

My cousin was just admitted to the hospital.  Technically, he is my cousin, but at age 10, he feels more like my nephew.  My aunt adopted Jacob when he was 3 years old.  He suffered from fetal alcohol syndrome and has had some sensory integration issues, as well as some emotional problems.  He is one of the sweetest little boys I've ever known and Allie just idolized him when we visited in April.  Apparently he had a pretty severe bipolar episode and threatened his dad with a pair of scissors, so he's been admitted to an inpatient facility.  We don't know what the possible course of treatment will be yet, but I'm praying that it's something that gives us back our sweet little boy, without robbing him of too much of what makes him him. That's a page I did of him and Allie there on the left.  They're BFF. 

Anyway, that's sort of where I am.  Aren't you glad you asked?  Oh wait, you didn't...  Regardless, it's enough to keep me about level.  The ex has the girls this weekend for the first weekend EVER.  I know I sound heartless, but having a whole weekend to myself without my adorable girls sounds like pure heaven.  I'm going to clean my house, hang up pictures, take some photos, and go have sushi so I can fidget with my chopsticks.  Really, I'll probably stock up on Twizzlers and diet Coke, stay in bed, and finish reading "His Dark Materials", but we can all pretend I'll be productive.  At least the sushi part is true.

Oh!  Almost forgot!  I have a lovely sinus infection right now that is rendering all productive thought pretty much impossible.  That I got all this out is miraculous.  As soon as I post this, I'm going to go back to staring blankly at my laptop trying to work out what I need to do next....